Tuesday, May 29, 2012

What I'm Reading--Orthodoxy by G. K. Chesterton


...or more accurately, what I’ve just finished reading.  This is the third time I’ve read Orthodoxy, and this time around it was a bit like coming home.  It’s one of the books that I carry with me, in a metaphorical sense; one that’s been enfolded into the melange of who I am.  Its words come to mind in quiet moments, and when I despair (to despair is to turn one’s back on God, or so says the ever-wise Marilla Cuthbert) it is one of the first places I look to to refocus myself and reinvigorate my faith.  Yes, I realize I should probably look to the Bible, but we have a complicated relationship at the moment which is not conducive to spiritual quietude.

  
                                             Aww.  She's judgy, but I love her.

Anyway, this time around I realized that what I find so striking about Orthodoxy are not the apologetic arguments, which aren’t all terribly great, to be honest, but the prose itself.  Chesterton is a rhetorician and a visionary.  He has a way of imagining the Christian life that lifts it out of the quagmire of doubts and doldrums and into an entirely new context.  It isn’t quite mystical and it certainly isn’t Christianity-by-the-numbers, but Chesterton’s words sing for me.  They tell a story that resonates with my soul and call color back into the religion my incorrigible and contrary mind has rendered in ever-deepening shades of gray.

It may not have this effect on everyone (or so my mother tells me), but because I consider it one of the most important books I’ve ever read, I want to do it the justice of letting it speak for itself.  So without further ado, some of my favorite quotes from Orthodoxy:

“What we need is not the cold acceptance of the world as a compromise, but some way in which we can heartily hate and heartily love it.  We do not want joy and anger to neutralize each other and produce a surly contentment; we want a fiercer delight and a fiercer discontent.  We have to feel the universe at once as an ogre’s castle, to be stormed, and yet as our own cottage, to which we can return at evening.  No one doubts that an ordinary man can get on with this world: but we demand not strength enough to get on with it, but strength enough to get it on.  Can he hate it enough to change it, and yet love it enough to think it worth changing?  Can he look up at its colossal good without once feeling acquiescence?  Can he look up at its colossal evil without once feeling despair?  Can he, in short, be at once not only a pessimist and an optimist, but a fanatical pessimist and a fanatical optimist?  Is he enough of a pagan to die for the world, and enough of a Christian to die to it?”

“Every man has forgotten who he is.  One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self is more distant than any star.”

“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged.  They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead.  For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.  But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony.  It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun; and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon.  It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them.  It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.”

“Love is not blind; that is the last thing that it is.  Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.”

“Christianity came in here as before.  It came in startlingly with a sword, and clove one thing from another.  It divided the crime from the criminal.  The criminal we must forgive until seventy times seven.  The crime we must not forgive at all.  It was not enough that slaves who stole wine inspired partly anger and partly kindness.  We must be much more angry with theft than before, and yet much kinder to thieves than before.  There was room for wrath and love to run wild.  And the more I considered Christianity, the more I found that while it had established a rule and order, the chief aim of that order was to give room for good things to run wild.”

“That a good man may have his back to the wall is no more than we knew already; but that God could have his back to the wall is a boast for all insurgents for ever.  Christianity is the only religion on earth that has felt that omnipotence made God incomplete.  Christianity alone has felt that God, to be wholly God, must have been a rebel as well as a king.  Alone of all creeds, Christianity has added courage to the virtues of the Creator.  For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point--and does not break.”

“[God] passed in some superhuman manner through our human horror of pessimism.  When the world shook and the sun was wiped out of heaven, it was not at the crucifixion, but at the cry from the cross: the cry which confessed that God was forsaken of God.  And now let the revolutionists choose a creed from all the creeds and a god from all the gods of the world, carefully weighing all the gods of inevitable recurrence and of unalterable power.  They will not find another god who has himself been in revolt.  Nay, (the matter grows too difficult for human speech,) but let the atheists themselves choose a god.  They will find only one divinity who ever uttered their isolation; only one religion in which God seemed for an instant to be an atheist.”

“To the question, ‘What are you?’ I could only answer, ‘God knows.’  And to the question, ‘What is meant by the Fall?’  I could answer with complete sincerity, ‘That whatever I am, I am not myself.’”

“The vault above us is not deaf because the universe is an idiot; the silence is not the heartless silence of an endless and aimless world.  Rather the silence around us is a small and pitiful stillness like the prompt stillness in a sick-room.  We are perhaps permitted tragedy as a sort of merciful comedy: because the frantic energy of divine things would knock us down like a drunken farce.  We can take our own tears more lightly than we could take the tremendous levities of the angels.  So we sit perhaps in a starry chamber of silence, while the laughter of the heavens is too loud for us to hear.”

Up Next: The Evangelical Universalist by Gregory MacDonald

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Losing My Religion

“The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say”

The Fellowship of the Ring

I’m not gonna lie.  Life was easier when I had all the answers.  It was a point of pride with me really, since I was that kid.  Maybe you’ve met her.  The one who got all the prizes for memorizing the most Bible verses.  The one who endured the mockery of the other kids as she defiantly read her Bible during recess.  The obnoxious little punk who had a compulsive need to correct the Sunday School teachers if they misremembered even the most minute detail of a Bible story.  That girl was me.
That's me on top--the holiest in the land.

Looking back now, it’s kind of hard to believe.  The person with all the conviction of an Inquisitor--that’s not someone I recognize anymore.  And despite my choice of metaphors, I don’t want to belittle her.  She had her good points.  The most interesting and, from my current perspective, most alien virtue she had was faith.  She really believed.  In all of it.  In seven day creation and a God who loved mankind as His own children.  In an imminent rapture and water turned to wine.  She was certain that asking Jesus into her heart would preserve her soul from a literal torture chamber of eternal flames.  That girl didn’t doubt, and she didn’t waver. Her faith pointed true north.  And I’m sure if she could see what I’ve made of her, she would be so disappointed.

I don’t think I’ve read my Bible--really read it--in a decade or so.  My “relationship” with God, if it even comes close to deserving the term, is...troubled.  I attend church when it’s convenient for me, and I pray when I need something or get guilted into it.  If you asked me what happened to turn a good, solid Christian into a functional agnostic, I couldn’t tell you.  Doubtless, I have my reasons.  I find I usually do.  But they’re opaque to me.

Don’t get me wrong.  God’s still a huge part of my life.  I think about Him a lot.  I put Him under a microscope and peruse Him for flaws.  I spread Him out on a table to dissect His parts, maybe try out a few different permutations--tinker with His omniscience, reconfigure His justice.  He’s the ultimate cosmic puzzle, and pondering Him takes up a lot of my time.

But loving God is hard.  He is inscrutable.  He is hidden.  And in a world like this I just can’t make sense of it.  Why the big secret?  How can I have faith in the face of all those scientists with their big brains and fancy words who tell me they’ve uncovered the truth about everything, and at the bottom of it there is no magic at all?  The sun rises and sets because it has to, not because some god pulls it across the sky in his chariot.  Life is no miracle; it’s an inevitability when we are one of billions and billions of worlds in the multiverse.  How do I take comfort from stories of seas parting and people rising from the dead when everywhere I look nature runs its predictable course and death ultimately claims everything--the young and the old, the faithful and the wicked?  What do the promises of God mean next to the inexorable monotony of life?

I feel alone.  I feel afraid.  I feel as though I’m hanging on to faith by my fingernails.  And I don’t know if there’s a happy ending in this for me.  I was raised to believe in things, and somehow I’ve just lost the ability.  Like Peter Pan, I think I was supposed to stay a child, but while I wasn’t paying attention I must have accidentally grown up.  Let me tell you, the view from up here sucks.

Older but no wiser
For years I’ve been in a holding pattern with God--a standoff, a war of the wills.  And now I’m exhausted and ready to blink.  The way I see it, either the questions of God (i.e., does He exist?  What is He like?  What does He want from us?) are the most important questions or else nothing matters at all.  So I want to figure this thing out.  I want to see if the frayed strands of my erstwhile religion can be rewoven into something new--a parachute I can cling to so I don’t dash myself on the jagged rocks of hopeless, atheistic existentialism.  I want to believe, and as C. S. Lewis once averred, I hope that desire alone holds some meaning.  For years I’ve been angry at God and almost pathologically suspicious of every earthly institution supposedly dedicated to His cause, but maybe all that time being torn from my religious foundations was time well spent after all.  Maybe the creation of all that negative space was necessary so that I can be filled with better things, truer things.  Maybe it’s time for me to leave the spiritual desert.  Maybe I’m being led, at long last, to a mountain top.  At least, if this were a story that’s how I would write it.  I guess we’ll see if God’s artistic vision and mine overlap.

I think I’m finally ready to seek the Most High, wherever He may lurk.  Even if I can’t commit to the doctrine of inerrancy or original sin or any kind of eschatology at all, I intend to commit myself to this pilgrimage.  If He is willing to be found, I am willing to find Him.  Best of luck to me.